imperfection

i am an imperfect wife. an imperfect mother. and most certainly an imperfect christian.

when i think back over the past 5 years of my life, i cannot help but be stunned at the events that have occurred, and they would appear to anyone as imperfect.

you see about 5 years ago, i had my whole life waiting for me. i was on top of the world; great friends. great boyfriend. an acceptance letter in my hand. i was floating. and then i woke up to reality, and quickly began to drown.

two weeks before graduation, i found out i was pregnant. shock. disbelief. fear. anger. i really could not wrap my mind around what that meant. everything i had ever worked for was gone. just like that. or so i thought in my immature and unprepared 18 year old mind.  

by my 19th birthday, i was a mom. to the most beautiful, squishy, blue-eyed little boy in the world. and i was married. even so, i couldn't help but think, not exactly how i thought this year would go.

by my 20th birthday, i was a mom again to another gorgeous, chubby, serene little boy. even then, i would look around at the chaos in my life, still in disbelief.

the following year, kane and i separated. for nine months of my life, i was lost. in shock. hollow. depressed. but i have never in my life felt so close to God. i had more faith during that time in my life than i could have ever imagined. and even though i would never want to re-experience that time in my life, i am so grateful for it as well. because it has taught me a lifetime of lessons. it has strengthened my marriage. and my relationship with God.

and now, present day, it still shocks me that this is my life. my imperfect life.

as i said before, i am an imperfect christian. i forget to read my bible. i most certainly do not always exhibit Christ-like behavior. i am not always pleasant to be around. [especially on mondays]. but something that i do think that i am good at is having faith. believe me when i say, i have a lot of faith.

i am learning that regardless of how much i plan and plot, God has already prepared my path. i'm curious as to how the next 5 years of my life will be like. almost a little nervous. but i will [try to] remember to hold onto what i know. and i know faith.

so even though my life may seem imperfect, i think that God may just see it all as flawless-because it has all happened according to His plan.