today is the day...

Today is the day that Harper will have his second surgery on his toe. As I write this (Sunday evening) I cannot help but be nervous. Stomach-wrenching, anxiety-driven, n.e.r.v.o.u.s. He's my baby. My sweet, sometimes rotten baby.

I will never forget when I had to hand him over to the nurse last year. He was already half "drunk" off of some light anesthetic that they give all babies/young children so that they are not crying when they take them back. His head layed lazily on the nurse's shoulder as he grinned sheepishly, waving his little hand goodbye. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I started to shake. The kind, compassionate anesthesiologist who was gathering her equipment came up to me and gently put her hand on my arm. "Honey, go get something to eat. He's going to be just fine." And thats all it took. Kind words from a kind stranger. I could barely make it to the elevators before I lost it. And I mean lost it.

2009 was a terrible year for me. I tried so hard to be strong and focused, allowing God to only take minimal control. In my mind, it was the only way I could survive. So giving my sweet baby over to the doctors, and leaving him in their care....that took a lot. I was no longer in control of the situation.  

And here we are a year later....Once again, I will take Harper to Chapel Hill alone. We really cannot afford for Kane to take off work and my parents will be watching Carson. Circumstances are quite different this time around, but one thing will remain the same...God is truly in control.

If you are reading this, please whisper a quick prayer for my Harper...

And lets hope this is the last picture I will ever have to take of this pesky thing...