Validation

I have never talked about this on here before, nor do I talk much about it in person.

To explain quickly, here it goes...

When I was in 5th grade, I had my first seizure. I remember nothing about the experience, only waking up in the hospital hours after the episode.

The second time, almost exactly a year later, I vaguely remember the ambulance ride and hearing the EMT's say something to the effect of "Try and stay with us Maria. Don't close your eyes". The next thing I remember is crying for my mom at the hospital while the doctors gave me a catheter.

I've had more since that time in 6th grade, but its been seven years since I have had a confirmed seizure. Everyone has assumed I have outgrown them.

When I was about 12, I underwent multiple testings to determine the cause, as well as the what specific type of seizures I was experiencing. One of those tests was a procedure to determine if I was epileptic. The test confirmed that I was in fact not epileptic.

I think the test was wrong.

This is something I haven't really discussed much with anyone before. Perhaps because of my young age. Perhaps because of my fear if people would believe me.

Throughout my high school years, quite frequently, I would be sitting in class and I would have a strange sense of "familiarity" similar to deja vu. My heart would race and I would sometimes feel like I was having an "out of body" experience. I knew I was zoning out, but couldn't stop the strange sensations. It would pass quickly, and I would feel oddly tired.

Since the boys have been born, I have rarely experienced these "episodes." Maybe once every year.

Tonight was one of those nights.

We were sitting at the dinner table finishing up supper. Kane got up and as he walked behind me, rubbed my shoulders. I looked over at Carson, and that's when it hit me.

The same sense of strangeness overtook me. I zoned out. My heart was beating and I felt dizzy. But I remained completely conscious. I even managed to catch Harp's plate before he overturned it.

Like every time before, it lasted only a minute or so. Then I felt tired immediately afterwards.

Only this time, I told Kane about it. I asked him if he ever felt any physical symptoms while having deja vu. When he said "no" I went over to the computer and googled it.

This article I read made my heart beat pretty quickly:

The strongest pathological association of déjà vu is with temporal lobe epilepsy.^[5][6] This correlation has led some researchers to speculate that the experience of déjà vu is possibly a neurological anomaly related to improper electrical discharge in the brain. As most people suffer a mild (i.e. non-pathological) epileptic episode regularly (e.g. a hypnagogic jerk, the sudden "jolt" that frequently, but not always, occurs just prior to falling asleep), it is conjectured that a similar (mild) neurological aberration occurs in the experience of déjà vu, resulting in an erroneous sensation of memory. For someone who regularly has such seizures, there is typically a feeling of déjà vu associated with whatever sensations (particularly sounds) may be occurring nearby.

{source}

So I clicked the temporal lobe epilepsy link.

And from there, found the Simple Partial Seizure link.

I know doctors hate for people to self-diagnose, but I truly, completely believe that I am experiencing a simple partial seizure.

I wanted to burst into tears when I read the description.

After all of these years, I finally feel as though what I am experiencing has been validated.

Finally.

I have answers. I'm not crazy. I'm not making this up.

I'm finally validated.

Unfortunately, there isn't anything I can do about it.

When Kane lost his job last year, we lost our health insurance.

And although he has since found a new job, it does not provide benefits.

The boys' do have insurance, but Kane makes too much for he and I to be covered by the government.

And we simply cannot afford private insurance.

So for now, I can do nothing about it.

But oddly enough, I'm not concerned about that right now.

Right now, I am basking in validation. Confirmation. Substantiation.

I finally have answers to something I have struggled with for years.

And for that, I am thankful.