my heart is heavy.

my heart is heavy tonight, so i'm going to keep this simple. harper had his appointment today with pediatric oncology in chapel hill. walking into the cancer hospital was humbling, watching a four year old receive chemotherapy took my breath away. harp's oncologist really didn't tell us anything that we didn't know. there is a large tumor in his thigh. the lymphnodes around the tumor are swollen. they have no idea (from looking at the MRI) what kind of tumor it is. to be honest, at this point things aren't looking great. i think i've been in this state of denial for the past month, that everything was going to be just fine. the doctors were overreacting. my son is an active, happy baby and that there could be no way he could have cancer. but after today, i'm broken. the only thing dr.h told me not to do was google childhood sarcomas, specifically rhabdomyosarcomas and osteosarcomas. but of course i did. and it scares the hell out of me. next wednesday (august 10), harper will have a full day of testing, including a head-to-toe MRI to make sure there are no other tumors that we do not know about. the following day (thursday) they will perform an incisional biopsy. they chose to take the biopsy through an incision (and then cutting a piece of the tumor off) instead of the traditional way because they don't want to stick a needle in something that they don't know anything about. after the biopsy, we should know exactly what we are dealing with. i am asking you all right now to please pray for harper. pray specifically that the tumor is benign. pray that we have the strength to deal with whatever happens. because i'm broken. please lift harper up in your prayers. please.